


For my Reality

by LeapAngstily



Series: Fairytale Endings [3]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Head Injury, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Outing, PWP - Porn with Peerlo, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-10 03:06:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1154018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeapAngstily/pseuds/LeapAngstily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One photograph is all it takes. One photograph, and suddenly Riccardo is left clinging on to his relationship, his career, and his sanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The final part of the series that was never meant to happen. Doesn't probably make much sense without reading the previous parts first.
> 
> Similarly to _Growth_ , this fic is set in the (alternate) future, so I had to make some huge assumptions regarding Monto’s teammates and Milan staff – these may or may not reflect my own wishes, but regardless should be treated as uneducated guesses at best.

 

  
**_Breaking: Pirlo and Montolivo an Item?_ **

_**Riccardo Montolivo**  was caught early this morning exiting  **Andrea Pirlo** ’s apartment in Turin. The AC Milan captain was photographed walking out of the apartment building Pirlo has been inhabiting since his divorce less than a year ago. He was later spotted driving away from the nearby parking lot, presumably to join his team for training in Milan._

_Pirlo, who shocked the world last month when he came out as a homosexual, has been connected to many famous names in the wake of his revelation. His former national team teammate, however, has not entered the speculation until now._

_On the other hand, Montolivo has remained single after his breakup with model **Cristina De Pin**  in 2012, despite the recurring rumours of them getting back together. It seems we have now discovered the reason for his lack of lady friends, as his visit to the former Juventus player’s apartment appears to have been an overnight one._

_Montolivo’s representative has refused all comments while Pirlo has not been reached to comment on the nature of their relationship._

  
  
  
A voicemail from Giovanni is all the warning Riccardo gets before he arrives at Milanello and is greeted by the mob of reporters and paparazzi gathered at the gates.  
  
“Don’t give them any reaction. Don’t open your window. Just ride right through, they’ll be kept out.”  
  
He is used to the journalists’ presence: this is not the first time the media circus gets out of hand during his time in Milan. What worries him is the urgency in his agent’s voice, the specific need to make sure  _he_  will stay away from their way.  
  
The creeping fear at the back of his mind intensifies when the mob practically attacks his car the moment they realize who is behind the wheel. He knows what is happening, even before the flashlights start going off.  
  
He can make out words among the yelled questions even through the closed windows – gay, Pirlo, affair, in closet – and he turns up the volume of his car stereos to drown out the noise. He ducks his head away from the cameras only to face them from another direction, and slowly drives through the crowd into the safety of closed gates.  
  
Once he is alone, he leans his forehead against the steering wheel and tries to collect his thoughts. He is shaking all over, his pulse is rising and panic is squeezing his insides.  
  
How did they find out? So fast? There had been no paparazzi in sight when he left Andrea’s place, he had thought he was safe. Andrea had said it would be fine, that there were hardly any reporters left.  
  
It takes him almost ten minutes to calm down enough to turn on the engine again. Some members of the staff are waiting at the parking lot, the ever-present Milan Channel cameras auspiciously absent.  
  
He is ushered out of the car and into the manager’s office as soon as he parks in his usual spot. He has no will to answer any questions or ask for clarifications, so he just follows the lead numbly, not registering anything he is told.  
  
Clarence is there, and so is Barbara Berlusconi, and when Riccardo finally manages to pull himself together, he realizes Giovanni is on the line via video conference as well. Everyone is talking in serious voices, so focused on the conversation that they do not even notice Riccardo has entered at first.  
  
It is Barbara who picks up his presence first, in the middle of a sentence, “We need to give a public statement before—Thank God, you made it here in one piece!”  
  
She tugs him into a quick hug before turning to the webcam, “He’s here. Do you want to talk to him?”  
  
The next fifteen minutes are used to brief Riccardo on the severity of the situation – just a few photos, nothing discriminating, but the media is all over it because they have been waiting for Andrea to slip up, and what better than a scoop that outs another high profile footballer.  
  
“It’s on just a handful of gossip sites for now. We’re obviously blocking anything leaking from the Fininvest associates, but it’s still spreading. Fast,” Barbara explains apologetically, like she wished her father had control over all the Italian media, “We need an official statement before it gets out of hand. Cut the wings from the rumours.”  
  
Riccardo’s mind is racing, going through all the possible outcomes, thinking of his years of hiding – the pain, the fear, the lies. He had decided never to lie about his feelings again.  
  
He thinks of Andrea and the huge risk he took by coming out, for himself but also for Riccardo. He thinks of his own failed relationship because he could not give up on the possibility that Andrea would still have him, after all this time.  
  
He thinks of the chance he decided to take, going to Andrea last night: his first night spent in Andrea’s arms without any guilt or fear of being rejected, after years of yearning and lost hope. Had that night been worth all this?  
  
The answer is ready before he can finish the question. Yes, it was worth this and much, much more.  
  
Barbara and Giovanni are arguing the potential benefits of finding him a fake girlfriend for the time being, while Clarence listens quietly, obviously uncertain what his role is in this scenario. Riccardo can relate with him – back when Clarence first took the helm of Milan, he had signed up for rebuilding the crumbling team, not for handling the players’ personal problems.  
  
“Aren’t you going a bit overboard? Why don’t you ask Riccardo what  _he_  wants to do?” the coach finally inquires when the debate calms down, “This is his life you’re talking about, after all.”  
  
Good old Clarence, he always knew what to say, always saw what was going on with his team even before the players themselves noticed it.  
  
Suddenly Riccardo is the centre of the attention – he feels like even the phone on the table is staring at him expectantly – and he feels the colour rising on his cheeks.  
  
Speaking up should not be this difficult: everyone in presence had known about his sexuality even before the scoops came out, although it has never been officially addressed. It was one of those carefully protected secrets in the dressing room, where everyone knew but no one brought it up.  
  
Riccardo has his suspicions that Clarence had put two and two together and figured out his connection with Andrea right after that press conference less than a month ago. The coach, on top of being ridiculously smart, used to be Andrea’s teammate, after all.  
  
“I don’t—” he starts but the words get stuck in his throat, like stalling his response a while longer. This is it, this is his chance to either stay true to his word or go back to being that lying wreck he has been running away from all this time.  
  
Clarence is looking at his encouragingly, giving him the first ghost of a smile Riccardo has seen since he drove through the gates.  
  
“Can we just… Not lie?” he asks in the end. The uncertainty is so obvious in his voice it makes him almost nauseous, so he continues quickly, “I mean, do we have to deny it? I know it’s gonna cause some trouble, but the word is out anyways. We can’t make it disappear.”  
  
He is gaining more confidence as he speaks; more certain with every word that this is what he needs to do, “I  _am_  together with Andrea, and the chances are we’ll be caught on camera again now that they know what to watch out for. So couldn’t we just acknowledge the truth and take the harm it’ll give us?”  
  
Clarence is nodding in agreement by the time he finishes talking, and even Barbara is shaking her head in resignation, fishing her phone out of her purse and punching speed dial.  
  
It is Giovanni who speaks first, “You know this might hurt your career, right?”  
  
“I know. I’m willing to take that risk,” Riccardo just barely manages to keep his voice level, while his mind is filled with one word repeated like a mantra:  _insane, insane, insane, insane, insane, insane, insane, insane…_  
  
Barbara finishes her phone call in record time, barking only few orders to the other end before hanging up, and she turns to face Riccardo, “We’ll make a statement acknowledging the rumours but refusing further comments. You better keep low profile for a while until we see the media’s and fans’ reaction.”  
  
“Thanks,” Riccardo is trying to keep his emotions in check, as professional as he can be in a situation like this, “You need me to do something else? Stay away from practice or—?”  
  
“Absolutely not,” Clarence cuts in before he can finish, “You’re my team captain. We need you at your best at all times.”  
  
Barbara nods in agreement, “Milan will give you all the support you need, no matter what. We can’t risk the media thinking otherwise. We need to show everyone that your private life doesn’t affect your professional life, and hopefully they’ll agree.”  
  
The rest of the meeting is spent polishing the details – meaning Giovanni and Barbara discuss the best course of action while Riccardo and Clarence listen on – and when the time for afternoon training finally comes around, Riccardo is more than happy to leave the office and hide in the dressing rooms for a while.  
  
His phone is blinking to notify him for new calls:  _47 missed calls, 23 new messages_. He opens the only one he cares about.  
  
 _‘Are you ok? My phone’s been going off all morning! Andrea’_  
  
His reply is only halfway written when his teammates start barging in.  
  
“Yo, captain!”  
  
“Whassup with the paparazzi?”  
  
“You missed the gym this morning!”  
  
Regular greetings, no jokes or intrusive questions, and Riccardo knows he should be grateful for it. But somehow it makes the situation all the worse – he is the elephant in the room, no one brave enough to approach him.  
  
It is only when the players start dribbling out to the training grounds that Mattia jogs up to him and matches his pace comfortably.  
  
“Is it true?” he asks softly, only a hint of curiosity in his voice. He flashes a smile when Riccardo nods his confirmation, “Cool. Andrea’s one lucky guy.”  
  
Riccardo cannot help it, he stops in his tracks. He has known Mattia since he first joined Milan – he can still remember the young fullback, just promoted to the first team: shy, polite, smart, and extremely talented.  
  
When did that boy grow so much?  
  
“C’mon, coach’ll start without us!” Mattia smiles back at him and Riccardo picks up his pace to catch up with him and join the training already under way.  
  
He replies to Andrea once they are back in the dressing rooms:  _‘I’m fine. Coming out too, don’t wanna hide. I’ll call you when I get home. xx’_  
  
He knows it is only a beginning: every probability is against him, every option a bad one. But he has been swimming against the current all of his career, and it is about the time he fought for what was rightfully his.  
  
  


 

_**AC MILAN OFFICIAL COMMUNICATION** _

_AC Milan wishes to communicate that the team will stand behind club captain Riccardo Montolivo in regard to his recent statements on his personal life and sexual orientation. Montolivo is first and foremost an excellent professional, and will carry his responsibilities without interruption. We sincerely hope the fans will keep on giving their support for both the club and its captain._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The people mentioned in this chapter (in case someone missed it):  
> Giovanni Branchini = Monto's agent at least the last time I checked. Please correct me if I'm wrong.  
> Clarence Seedorf = Former Milan player and the new head coach as of this month. Yes, I'm assuming he's around in this timeline as well.  
> Barbara Berlusconi = Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi's daughter, has been gaining more power in the Milan management lately, seems to be set to take over as the CEO in near future.  
> Mattia De Sciglio = Milan (and azzurri) fullback, was promoted from the junior team the same time Monto joined Milan. This I do not intend to debate - _he will stay in Milan forever, okay?_


	2. Chapter 2

  

_**Lazio–Milan Suspended After Homophobic Slurs** _

_Last night’s Serie A game between SS Lazio and AC Milan had to be suspended after Lazio supporters repeatedly yelled anti-gay slurs at Milan captain **Riccardo Montolivo**. The referee stopped the game initially after 23 minutes and the fans were warned about their behaviour. However, the players were called off the pitch at 40th minute after the homophobic chants continued._

_Milan coach **Clarence Seedorf**  condemned the fan demeanour._

_“There is no place for homophobia in today’s Italy, and football should be no different. The fight against racism has come far in last few years, but homophobia has not been addressed properly until now. We need to keep working towards mutual respect and safe environment where professional footballers can bring their best effort without fear of discrimination regardless of their ethnicity or sexual orientation.”_

_Montolivo affirmed the rumours of his relationship with former Juventus and national team player **Andrea Pirlo**  at the beginning of last week, and sat out Milan’s previous fixture against Genoa. Seedorf disagrees with the accusations that the captain was rushed back to the pitch too soon after the revelation._

_“Montolivo has shown exceptional courage and fortitude by coming out. He has remained highly professional through this process and he is fully fit to play for the team. He offers both skill and leadership on the pitch, and together with the team we agreed he should return in action as soon as possible._

_“The behaviour presented today by the Lazio supporters was inexcusable, and should be addressed accordingly. That people are ready to judge Montolivo just for coming back and doing his job shows the hypocrisy and homophobia surrounding Italian football.”_

_Lazio-Milan will be resumed today behind closed doors at Stadio Olimpico at 15:00._

_Lazio will face a fine and the fans will be banned from at least one home game as a punishment for their actions. Public prosecutor is also filing a law suit against a group of supporters._

  
Riccardo cannot shake away the chants.  
  
 _Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot…_  
  
He could barely sleep the previous night, stuck alone in the bleak hotel room in central Rome, dreading the game they would have to continue the next afternoon. Whenever he had closed his eyes, he was back at the Stadio Olimpico, surrounded by the slurs echoing through the stadium.  
  
 _Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot…_  
  
Andrea had told him it would not be easy: that for every positive reaction he would also get a loudly negative one. He is up against an army of closed-minded, homophobic bigots – Andrea’s words, not his – the same people that used to torment the coloured players in every other game not so long ago.  
  
 _”Just ignore the loud ones: they’re nothing but hot air. Focus on the people who stand by you, borrow their strength. You’ll be fine.”_  
  
Riccardo clings to Andrea’s soothing voice running through his head, safely tugged away in the corner of his mind, where the insults cannot taint it.  
  
He wants to be strong: walk out to the pitch his head held high and laugh at the faces of the haters. He wants to be strong like Andrea, who came out because he wanted to, because he did not care what other people thought about him.  
  
He misses Andrea. They have met only twice after the scoops broke out: the paparazzi are everywhere, only waiting for a chance to catch the first intimate photos of them together. So far they only have a handful of shots of them entering each other’s apartments.  
  
 _”Play it safe for now – private – until they get used to the idea and move on.”_  
  
Technically the advice of the Milan publicist is a good one, Riccardo and Andrea had both agreed. In practice, however, it means they must limit their time together, and Riccardo is left alone to cope with the onslaught.  
  
He has his support group: the club is officially behind him, his teammates treat him no differently, and the vast majority of the fans have not spoken up – although Riccardo has heard that at least one group of Milan ultras have threatened to boycott matches until he is stripped of the captaincy.  
  
There is also his family – his mother is insisting he should bring Andrea over for dinner, much to Riccardo’s embarrassment – and Cristina comes over every few days to make sure he is managing on his own. He is, but mostly because he has hardly had time to wallow in his misery.  
  
“Okay guys, time to go!” Clarence tells them from the dressing room door. Riccardo takes a deep breath and gets up. Time to be the team captain again. Time to be strong.  
  
 _Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot…_  
  
It is not real, he tells himself. The stands are empty, no one there to insult him, and yet the chant keeps pounding against his skull just that much harder.  
  
 _Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot…_  
  
He needs to pull himself together and concentrate on the game. The critics are expecting him to play poorly, ready to jump on the proof that a homosexual cannot possibly play on the highest level.  
  
This is the one test he cannot fail.  
  
He stumbles off the ball, almost runs into an opponent.  
  
Clarence had told him he could be subbed off if he felt it was too much. Being on the pitch is his own choice, so it is also his responsibility to do well.  
  
 _”Nothing’s changed. You’re still the same player you were before coming out. All you have to do is prove it to the doubters.”_  
  
When Riccardo’s teammates had first found out about his sexuality, it had been a huge relief, a weight off his shoulders. His form had actually picked up back then. He needs to find that same mindset again.  
  
He closes his eyes, takes two, three, four deep breaths. When he opens his eyes, the chanting is gone. The ball is at his feet, lined up for a free kick, and he knows what he needs to do.  
  
The pace picks up and finally Riccardo can enjoy the thrill of the game. This match is no different from the hundreds he has played before.  
  
Right then he is just Riccardo, the same boy who started kicking the ball before he knew any better, and kept at it because there was nothing else in the world he wanted to do more.  
  
They are winning, keeping the possession, and the opponents are getting seemingly frustrated. Their tackles are harsher, defending more erratic.  
  
The elbow hitting the side of his head might have well been accidental – they were both jumping for the header after all – but the  _“Pillow biter”_  hissed at him when he lies on the grass, his head still spinning from the impact, is definitely not.  
  
He blinks to focus his eyes, but the paramedics are already gathering around him and he has no idea who the speaker was. A Lazio player is shown a yellow card – the Milan players are appealing for a red – and Riccardo is stretchered off the pitch despite his arguments that he can still play.  
  
He needs to be taken to the hospital to be checked for concussion or possible further damage, he is told in no-nonsense terms. His game is over for today, the team will take care of the rest.  
  
His head has adopted a new mantra:  _pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter…_  
  
It is the first time he has been attacked on the pitch for his sexuality. He had hoped the fellow players would be on his side – most of his teammates both on national and international level had known about him long before the information was made public, and aside from a few tasteless jokes it had seemed fine.  
  
Despite the imprint of the voice in his ears, he cannot recall who was the person attached to that voice. The team physician tells him he had lost his consciousness for a while out there, and he should not think too hard about the details before he has recovered from the impact.  
  
The nausea and dizziness hit him on the way to the hospital. The neurologist confirms a severe concussion at best, and it is quickly agreed he should stay in the hospital for the night so they can monitor his condition in case of more complications.  
  
One of Clarence’s assistants stays with him in Rome – just in case, the coach says – while the rest of the team return home as scheduled.  
  
Riccardo is asleep the moment he settles in the narrow hospital bed, painkillers and exhaustion finally taking their toll.  
  
 _Pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter, pillow biter pillow biter, pillow biter…_  
  
  
  
He wakes up to someone stroking his hair. The lights are dimmed but he can still make out the familiar form sitting next to his bed.  
  
“Andrea? What’re you doing here?”  
  
Andrea startles out of his reverie, his fingers in Riccardo’s hair halting for a second before picking up the gentle stroking again.  
  
“Hello to you too,” he greets softly, and Riccardo can hear the smile in his voice rather than see it in the low lighting, “I took the first flight from Turin when Clarence called.  _You_  should’ve called me, mind you.”  
  
“Been a bit busy here,” Riccardo replies dryly, waving his hand around to indicate their surroundings. He had thought of calling Andrea, to let him know he would be back later than expected, but he had been afraid of this very same scenario.  
  
Andrea catches his hand in mid-wave and presses a quick kiss against his palm, “You still should’ve called. They showed the match on TV, Riccardo. I was worried sick.”  
  
Riccardo’s nonchalant demeanour drops, “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to worry you.”  
  
Andrea sighs and interlocks their fingers before answering, “It’s my job to worry about you now. You’ve always been the one lending me strength, so let me take care of you for once.”  
  
Riccardo cannot decipher what Andrea is trying to say. Andrea is the strong one; he has always been the strong one! It is why Riccardo had wanted to handle this one fight on his own: to show that he could handle it, to prove that he is Andrea’s equal.  
  
“I’m not strong. I’m always clinging to you for help.”  
  
“You’ve been coping on your own much longer than I could even begin to imagine,” Andrea disagrees immediately, “You were the one brave enough to be yourself and fight for it back when I was still hiding behind my marriage. You were the one strong enough to put an end to our relationship when it didn’t satisfy either of our needs. Hell, it was you who gave me the courage to keep on speaking in that blasted press conference! I would’ve been completely lost without you, Riccardo.”  
  
A stunned silence falls between them, Riccardo’s still sleep-muddled brain slowly processing Andrea’s words.  
  
Finally he squeezes Andrea’s hand, almost as if to make sure he really is still sitting there, “You saved me back then. In South Africa. And you’ve been saving me over and over again ever since that day.”  
  
“Then don’t stop depending on me now,” Andrea tells him quietly and leans in to brush their lips together before continuing, “Give me a chance to be the dependable man I could never be.”  
  
They linger like that, lips only inches apart, until Riccardo gives a concurring hum and catches Andrea’s lips in another kiss. He is still having trouble understanding they can actually do this: show affection freely without being afraid of getting caught.  
  
“You’re coming with me to Turin tomorrow,” Andrea informs him when they need to catch their breaths, “The doctor said it’d be dangerous for you to stay alone with the concussion. You need someone to keep an eye on you.”  
  
Riccardo laughs against Andrea’s lips and rubs their noses together affectionately, “The press is gonna have a field day.”  
  
“Let them. Though I’m sure they’ll be busy writing about today’s game and how easily that asshole got off after hurting you.”  
  
The chant in Riccardo’s head returns with the mention of the match, but it is quiet enough for him to ignore it for now.

 

 

_**Montolivo Hospitalized – Pirlo By His Side** _

_Milan captain **Riccardo Montolivo**  suffered a concussion during the game against Lazio on Saturday and will be sidelined from the team’s Champions League group stage clash against Arsenal on Wednesday, AC Milan official website confirmed today._

_Montolivo stayed the night in the hospital after receiving a hard knock from Lazio player’s elbow during an aerial duel. **Andrea Pirlo**  flew to Rome in order to be by his partner’s side and was photographed outside the hospital at 20:10 on Saturday night._

_The couple left the hospital on Sunday afternoon and reportedly returned to Pirlo’s apartment in Turin. This was the first time Pirlo and Montolivo appeared together in public after their relationship was revealed. Both parties have refused further comments._

_Lazio was fined 50,000 euros by the Lega Serie A after their fans directed homophobic slurs against Montolivo during Friday’s suspended match. The supporters will also be banned from Lazio’s next three league home games._

_AC Milan’s appeal claiming Montolivo’s injury was a result of homophobic abuse was rejected by the Italian Football Federation due to the lack of evidence._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Lazio or their supporters: one team had to be picked (one far enough for Andrea to fly there) and it ended up being them.  
> The player who fouled Monto is left unnamed on purpose, because I didn't wanna start creating my own players and I definitely didn't wanna write any existing player doing that.  
> I have no idea how homophobic abuse would be handled in Serie A, so I went with what has been happening with racist chants and just made the rest up. Hope it works for you.
> 
> Also here, have a [shitty photo edit](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/leapangstily/50857375/1721/1721_original.jpg) I made while writing this. (Lyrics: Sunrise Avenue - Lifesaver)


	3. Chapter 3

 

  
_**Montolivo: Cheater and Home Wrecker**_

_Not two weeks have passed since **Riccardo Montolivo**  came out of the closet and confirmed his rumoured relationship with  **Andrea Pirlo** , gaining the support of many highly regarded football figures as well as the international LGBT community._

_However, along with the good publicity, the nastier information regarding Montolivo and Pirlo’s involvement has started to leak, causing a backlash among the observers._

_Montolivo’s ex partner, who prefers to remain unnamed, revealed in an exclusive interview that the Milan captain broke off their relationship shortly after Pirlo came out and immediately moved on to his former Azzurri teammate._

_The two had been meeting each other on a regular basis during the course of Montolivo’s previous relationship as well, and the betrayed lover admits he believes the affair had been going on long before the break up. Presumably Montolivo also played a major role in Pirlo’s decision to come out at the occasion of his retirement last month._

_But how long has the affair at the top of Italian football really been going on?_

_An inside source has disclosed that Montolivo’s homosexuality had been known to his teammates years before Pirlo’s coming out set the ball rolling. In the light of the new revelations the former national team player has been urged to rethink the past interactions of the couple._

_“Both of them were in the habit of showering only after everyone else had finished. At the time we figured it was a matter of privacy. But now that I think about it, they did spend long times in the showers, just the two of them.”_

_If the secret relationship has indeed carried on since their Azzurri days, it means Montolivo not only cheated on his recent lover, he was also the reason for Pirlo’s divorce from his wife **Deborah Roversi**  last year. The couple, who had been married since 2001, has two children who are now staying with their mother._

_Recent opinion poll conducted among our readers reveals that while majority of them respect Montolivo’s decision to come out, his involvement in Pirlo’s divorce should be condemned:_

_“I have no issue with Montolivo being gay, but stealing a husband and a father from a loving family is the lowest.”_

_“Pirlo’s decisions are his own. Still, going for a married man is morally questionable. Not to mention he was in a relationship of his own!”_

_“I’ve lost all the respect I used to have for this home wrecker!”_

_Montolivo is currently staying with Pirlo in Turin, recovering from the concussion he suffered in the game against Lazio last Saturday. He is expected to return to training next week at the earliest._

_Neither man could be reached to comment on these recent revelations._

  
  
  
Riccardo cannot stop reading the article. He goes over the hurtful words again and again –  _home wrecker, cheater, the lowest, morally questionable_  – feeling worse by each passing second. Not because of the insults, those he can handle, but because they are all true.  
  
Andrea wraps his arms around Riccardo’s waist and leans over his shoulder to peer at the laptop screen.  
  
“Stop reading that rubbish, it’s not good for you.”  
  
He starts dropping a lazy kisses against Riccardo’s neck, reaching out one hand to close the laptop before his lover can protest. His other hand is rubbing Riccardo’s belly, lifting the bottom of his T-shirt as if by accident.  
  
Riccardo closes his eyes and leans back against Andrea’s chest, trying to relax and forget the guilt that has been gripping his insides since the new rumours started circulating.  
  
He had thought he was over it, that he could finally move on and start all over again with Andrea.  
  
Now he is stuck with almost no contact to the outside world: his phone turned off more often than not because of the persistent reporters, his email as well as his social media accounts cluttered with anonymous hate mail, and the internet full of articles just like the one he was reading before Andrea intervened.  
  
His eyes are stinging from the effort of keeping the tears from falling, and he presses the lids together just a bit more forcefully. Riccardo is not even sure why he feels like crying when he should be beyond happy, being here with Andrea.  
  
Andrea caresses his thighs over the jeans: firm, circular strokes urging the tense muscles into relaxation. His hand dips between his legs, all deliberate and considered, just enough to tease him into arousal.  
  
Riccardo feels nothing.  
  
“Sorry, can we do this some other time?” he asks quickly when Andrea moves to pull off his shirt, “My head’s hurting. I think I need another painkiller and a nap.”  
  
He is so embarrassed, because how could he not want Andrea? He spent years looking for someone who could read his body as well as Andrea, someone whose mere gaze could turn him into a hot mess – and now he has the real thing, and his body is just not reacting.  
  
 _The lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest…_  
  
“You okay? Should I call the doctor?” Andrea turns the office chair so that Riccardo is facing him, his worried eyes making Riccardo feel like the most worthless piece of shit ever.  
  
“I’m fine, they said the headaches might come and go,” he assures Andrea, then cups his face in his hands gently and presses a peck on his lips before getting up and heading for the medicine cabinet. His head is not really bothering him that much anymore, but the excuse is better than the truth.  
  
He curls up on the couch, pressing his face in the pillows and feigns sleep until Andrea leaves the room.  
  
Riccardo made a promise: he promised Andrea he would try to share his burden, because they are in this together. He has made an effort, too: he mentioned his trouble sleeping, the chants in his head that keep him up at night; he talked about the Lazio player who insulted him and his fear that he will never be able to play normally again.  
  
But this is different, because he cannot tell Andrea that their relationship is making him feel guilty, ashamed. That just the thought of Andrea touching him makes him feel dirty.  
  
How could he tell this to Andrea when he has no idea what it is that is making him feel this way?  
  
He loves Andrea, there is no question about that. He had given up, he had moved on, and yet he had always waited, waited, waited for the off chance that maybe one day they could be together for real.  
  
Riccardo had never wanted to break Andrea’s family: he had known it was impossible, because Andrea treasured his children more than anything.  
  
And yet, now it is all but an established assumption that it was his fault –  _he_  seduced Andrea, turned him gay, made him leave his family and publicly come out, hurting everyone he had ever cared for. It is all on Riccardo, and the blame hurts thousand times more than the public ridicule he encounters on the pitch.  
  
 _“Think about the children. They’re subjected to bullying and media harassment because of their father. What kind of selfish man does that?”_  
  
Andrea keeps telling Riccardo to ignore what the media says about them. They have as much right to be happy together as anyone else does, no matter what kind of rubbish the press puts out. It is all lies, and they will not give them the satisfaction of breaking them apart.  
  
Smart words, Riccardo knows, but what about the parts that tell the truth? What about Benedikt’s interview that revealed all the details about their short-lived relationship? What about their former teammates that now know why they kept disappearing during the training camps or in the aftermath of league matches?  
  
What about Andrea’s children who keep seeing scoops about their father with the man who broke their family apart?  
  
Riccardo has not slept an eyeful when Andrea comes back to the room a couple hours later.  
  
“I’m ordering takeaway. Anything particular you’d like to eat?” Andrea is squatting next to the couch, speaking in a low voice as if not to startle Riccardo. He has been so gentle, so caring since Riccardo came to stay with him. Everything he could ever ask for.  
  
Like Riccardo was some fragile thing that might break any moment.  
  
“Anything’s fine, ‘m not really hungry…” he replies as he turns to face Andrea. He tries to return the smile Andrea flashes at him, only managing a crooked grin instead. He hides it with a fake yawn.  
  
Andrea arches his eyebrows suspiciously, obviously noticing everything is not right, but unable to figure out what is the issue, “Are you really okay? You look a bit pale. Maybe I should take you to the hospital?”  
  
“I’m  _fine_ ,” Riccardo snaps immediately and sits up quickly to escape Andrea’s intent gaze, “See? My head’s not even hurting anymore!”  
  
He wants to accept Andrea’s worry, he really does. He wants to break down and cry and let Andrea kiss it all better and hold him until the outside world is completely irrelevant, just like he did when Riccardo first turned up at his door.  
  
He wants it so badly and yet he cannot: he is actually, physically unable to let go.  
  
Riccardo flinches slightly when Andrea sits next to him, going through the contacts of his phone absent-mindedly, “Vietnamese is okay, then?”  
  
He hums an affirmative, watching the numbers flashing by until Andrea finds the one he is looking for and dials. He gives the order from memory, adding salad rolls at the end even though he does not like them, just because he remembers that one time Riccardo made him alter the order.  
  
Riccardo leans his head carefully on Andrea’s shoulder, a reminder that he really is there, and he is not going anywhere even if Riccardo is the home wrecking, cheating failure he has been made out to be.  
  
A reminder that Andrea loves him enough to remember one silly takeaway order made long ago, before they were actually a couple.  
  
“I’ve been thinking, maybe we should get away for a while,” Andrea breaks the comfortable silence after a long while and reaches out for Riccardo’s hand to intertwine their fingers, “We could go to my family’s vineyard, just for a weekend or so. It should be remote enough so we don’t have to worry about the paparazzi.”  
  
“I’d like that,” Riccardo admits – time away from everything, just the two of them, no press lurking around every corner, no nasty scoops, nothing to remind him of the mess they are in – “But I need to get back to training soon. I’ve been away for too long already.”  
  
“You’re not allowed to train before the symptoms are gone,” Andrea rebuts, turning his head enough to nuzzle Riccardo’s hair gently, “Doctor’s orders.”  
  
Riccardo sighs in defeat and closes his eyes in relaxation, the earlier tingling all but gone for now. If he could just concentrate on Andrea, if he could just forget what the people are saying, what the outside world thinks of them…  
  
The doorbell interrupts Riccardo’s thoughts, and Andrea pulls him up along with him, “Well that was fast. Wanna get it while I set the table?”  
  
Riccardo heads for the door, snatching Andrea’s wallet from the dresser on his way.  
  
The sight that greets him when he opens the door is not the Vietnamese takeaway guy – not even an Italian part-timer for that matter – but Andrea’s ex wife and their children all staring back at him. Riccardo has to use up all his remaining willpower not to slam the door closed in their faces.  
  
The first one to get over the shock is, maybe unsurprisingly, Angela who smiles brightly and points at Riccardo, “You’re daddy’s new boyfriend!”  
  
 _Boyfriend._  
  
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Riccardo answers with a small smile to the girl before turning to the woman standing behind her, “Deborah, been a long time.”  
  
“Riccardo,” she acknowledges curtly, looking over his shoulder in search of her ex husband, “Andrea didn’t mention you’d be around.”  
  
 _Home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker!_  
  
“He didn’t mention you were coming over either,” Riccardo retorts but moves away from the door to let them in nonetheless, just in time for Andrea to come out of the kitchen in the middle of an uncomfortable staring contest.  
  
“Daddy!” Angela shrieks the moment she sees her father and dashes to hug him, followed by her slightly more reserved brother.  
  
Deborah turns her attention from Riccardo to Andrea, “I tried to call you. You forgot I was dropping them off tonight, didn’t you?”  
  
Andrea untangles Angela’s arms from his waist and tells his children to go put their bags in their rooms while the adults have a talk. Only then does he answer, “Sorry, been a bit busy lately.”  
  
“I can see that,” Deborah throws a look in Riccardo’s direction, “I thought you’d be more keen to spend time with your kids, but apparently you’d rather the company of your new  _friend_  here.”  
  
 _Home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker, home wrecker…_  
  
“Lover. I’m sure you’ve read the gossip,” Andrea corrects softly, taking a step closer to Riccardo like to back his claim, “And he has nothing to do with this. I just forgot.”  
  
 _The lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest, the lowest…_  
  
“How convenient for you.”  
  
 _Cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater, cheater…_  
  
“Stop it!” Riccardo cannot take it anymore, cannot handle the guilt trip the argument has pushed him into, “I was just leaving. Just, stop it, okay?”  
  
He picks up his coat and shoes, switches Andrea’s wallet to his own bag that has been lying on the floor by the doorway since he came here, and catches Andrea’s eye one last time before bolting out of the door without another word.  
  
He passes by the takeaway guy on his way out, and is already out of the front door before Andrea catches up with him.  
  
“Riccardo, wait!” he manages to get a hold of Riccardo’s hand, pulling him into his arms despite the quiet protests – they are in public – “What’s gone into you? Just come back in, don’t mind her.”  
  
Riccardo is almost shaking with effort not to cry, not in front of the paparazzi, not in front of Andrea.  
  
“I can’t,” he whispers against Andrea’s neck, wrapping his arms tentatively around Andrea’s shoulders when it becomes obvious he is not going to let go, “It’s not my place: I shouldn’t come between you and your kids.”  
  
“Nonsense, your place is with me. They’ll love you, just wait and see.”  
  
Andrea does not get it. He does not understand what it is like to be made out to be the bad guy – how hard it is to take in the scrutinizing looks Deborah was giving him, how difficult it is to act normal with Andrea’s children when he knows they would still be living with their father were it not for him.  
  
“I just wanna go home. Get back to training with the team,” he pleads quietly, pulling away from Andrea’s embrace to actually look him in the eye, “Please?”  
  
Andrea takes the words in, catching the helpless look on his face and his watery eyes. He hesitates for a while before sighing in resignation, “Take the car, you don’t wanna use the public transportation looking like that.”  
  
Riccardo accepts the keys without complaint as he pulls away from Andrea’s reach completely.  
  
“Call me if you need anything. Anything at all, I mean it,” Andrea tells him in a low voice, holding their eye contact even when Riccardo starts moving toward the garage doors, “I promised I’d take care of you.”  
  
“I know,” Riccardo replies softly, so softly he is not sure whether Andrea hears him, “I’m sorry.”  
  
It is only when he is sitting behind the wheel of Andrea’s Jeep, alone and hidden from the paparazzi lurking around, that he allows the tears to fall.  
  
He cries for what feels like ages, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. All the stress and pressure that have been building up inside him since the first scoop went to press are finally finding their way out.  
  
By the time he runs out of tears he actually feels like an immense weight has dropped from his shoulders, and maybe he will be able to face the world again.  


 

_**Trouble in Paradise? Montolivo Leaves in Tears** _

_The most followed couple in Italian football has come across the first rocky patch in their relationship._

_Last night, **Riccardo Montolivo** left  **Andrea Pirlo** ’s house with banging doors presumably after an argument involving Pirlo’s ex wife  **Deborah Roversi**  and the children of the former couple who had arrived to the apartment a while earlier._

_Pirlo followed Montolivo out to appease his distraught lover (see photo below), but in the end the Milan captain left the scene while apparently fighting tears, and Pirlo returned to his children and ex wife._

_Montolivo is set to return to Milan training at the beginning of next week following the concussion he suffered in the game against Lazio._

_It remains to be seen whether this will be the end of the much talked-about couple or if they will shock the critics and find a way to come back even stronger._


	4. Chapter 4

 

_**Milan set to appeal Montolivo ban** _

_AC Milan has announced they will appeal the three-match ban handed to **Riccardo Montolivo**  after yesterday’s match against Napoli in San Siro. The game ended 1-2 for Napoli._

_The Milan captain was sent off under controversial circumstances at 74th minute after he physically pushed and made an offensive gesture to a Napoli player. Reportedly he also insulted the referee while protesting the red card._

_Following Montolivo’s dismissal, Lega Serie A has handed him additional three-match ban due to violent conduct and insults. Milan will be appealing the decision, claiming the referee was acting unjustly._

_Milan CEO **Barbara Berlusconi**  spoke to the press after meeting with Montolivo this morning._

_“We all saw what happened. Montolivo acted rashly and is prepared to take responsibility for his actions. However, yesterday we witnessed crowds of away fans chanting homophobic abuse and Napoli players fouling Montolivo for over an hour without any consequences. When he finally stood up for himself, albeit in an inexcusable way, he was immediately sent off. How is that fair refereeing?”_

_The referee of the game commented the questions regarding homophobia shortly last night._

_“Montolivo assaulted a player and had to be sent off because of it. The fact he is homosexual held no importance to the decision. Had it been anyone else, I would have done the same. We cannot start making special rules for the minorities: that would go against the very idea of the sport.”_

_Ms Berlusconi agrees with the notion but criticizes the execution._

_“We are not asking for special rules. We are asking for the same rules for everyone. We are asking the referees to do their job and protect the players from constant abuse both from spectators and from other players. Yesterday this did not happen, and in the end Montolivo was the only one sanctioned for the farce that unfolded.”_

_Milan’s appeal to the Italian Football Federation (FIGC) asks them to reconsider the circumstances leading to Montolivo’s dismissal and the referee’s failure to put an end to the homophobic abuse from the stands, which kept the Milan captain under emotional duress throughout the match._

_Montolivo’s playing career after coming out as a homosexual has not been easy. In the first game against Lazio he suffered a concussion which kept him sidelined from the Champions League match against Arsenal and three following Serie A games. He was again a subject of anti-gay chants when he returned to action during the second half of Genoa-Milan a week ago._

_In fact, it appears yesterday’s dismissal was just the tip of the iceberg._

_FIGC is set to give their decision concerning Milan’s appeal by next Thursday._

  
  
  
Andrea picks Riccardo up right after he gets back home from training.  
  
Riccardo had agreed together with Clarence and the team’s sports psychologist that the best thing to do after the fiasco against Napoli is to take some distance from football and the media circus around him – whatever it takes to get his stress levels down.  
  
 _”Physically you’re fit. The thing we need to worry about is your mental heath. Players with less pressure and stress on them than you have succumbed to depression.”_  
  
Riccardo had wanted to argue that he is not depressed, merely stressed and exhausted. Then he had realized that his short temper, the sleepless nights, the indescribable fear he feels before entering the pitch, the voices in his head, or his lack of emotional investment towards anyone – even Andrea – cannot be labelled ‘normal’ by any criteria.  
  
He might not be depressed, but neither is he completely healthy.  
  
It is why he had decided to finally take up Andrea’s offer for the trip to his family’s vineyard in Brescia, and Andrea had agreed almost immediately.  
  
That is why Riccardo is now sitting on the passenger seat of Andrea’s car with a hurriedly packed bag in his lap, the tinted windows thankfully hiding him from the outsiders.  
  
Andrea is humming along with the song playing from the stereos, beating the rhythm against the steering wheel with his fingers. He has not said much, waiting for Riccardo to collect his thoughts and start a conversation.  
  
It is how their relationship has unfolded since Riccardo escaped Andrea’s apartment almost a month ago. Riccardo is beyond grateful for the space Andrea is giving him, but at the same time he finds himself missing the comfortable closeness they used to share.  
  
It is all his fault for running away, he knows. It is him creating this new distance between them: a growing gap Andrea cannot close for the fear of Riccardo pulling away completely.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Riccardo finally speaks up when the song switches to a new one and Andrea stops his humming. He is not quite sure what he is apologizing for, but he feels like he really needs to say it nonetheless.  
  
Andrea’s eyes flicker at him before returning to the road as he answers, “No need to apologize. I told you I’d be here for you, didn’t I?”  
  
Riccardo is terrified of the possibility that one day Andrea will grow tired of his behaviour and then he will be all alone again. He would deserve it too, after testing Andrea’s patience for so long. Frankly, he is surprised it has not happened by now.  
  
“What happened to us?” Andrea interrupts Riccardo’s internal battle, his eyes never leaving the road, “What do you want me to do, Riccardo?”  
  
There it is: the talk he has been dreading all along. Suddenly this trip does not seem like such a good idea after all.  
  
“I— I don’t know,” he admits after a long silence, “I want us to be together. Be  _happy_  together. I spent such a long time imagining it would be perfect – just like that – and never stopped to think how hard it would actually be.”  
  
“It doesn’t have to be,” Andrea replies, almost inaudible over the sound of the stereos. He reaches his hand over the gear stick, takes a hold of Riccardo’s hand and brings it his lips gently, “We can make it work.”  
  
“Can we?” Riccardo has no idea whether he is disagreeing or looking for a confirmation.  
  
Andrea merely tightens his hold on Riccardo’s hand, not letting go before they reach their destination.  
  
 _What happened to us?_  
  
  
  
The vineyard is huge, a whole estate with hired staff and wide plantations. Riccardo feels out of place when Andrea greets the workers, shakes hands and exchanges cheek kisses.  
  
This is Andrea’s world.  
  
“Riccardo,” Andrea beckons him closer to introduce him to Lorenzo, the oenologist (Riccardo makes a mental note to check what the word means later). The man is pleasant enough: he smiles at Riccardo and says he has been looking forward to meeting him, tells him he has a bottle of their best vintage wine stashed away just for them.  
  
It makes Riccardo feel a bit more welcome.  
  
Andrea shows him around, telling him about his grandmother who used to own a vineyard when Andrea was a child, about the renovations they have already done, about the plans he has for the future.  
  
“I’ve been thinking of buying out my parents’ share for the estate. Maybe we could stay here together when you end your career. If you’d like to, of course.”  
  
Riccardo follows Andrea’s lead, never letting go of his hand: he lets him speak, only smiles and hums in agreement whenever there are questions directed at him. That Andrea would count him into his retirement plans makes him feel a gust of happiness – something he has almost forgot stirring inside him.  
  
“You’d have to teach me about winemaking,” he interjects softly, inching closer and pressing up against Andrea’s side.  
  
“You and Niccolò both – he’s been pestering me to teach him for a while now,” Andrea answers with a crooked smile before he notices his mistake.  
  
Riccardo goes tense the moment Andrea mentions his son, the question of Andrea’s family still a sensitive topic for him.  
  
He tries to pull away from Andrea’s side, but his lover wraps an arm around his waist resolutely and presses a quick kiss into his hair, “Or it could be just you and me. Alone. In the wine cellar. No one to bother us.”  
  
Riccardo relaxes slowly into the half-embrace, leaning his head on Andrea’s shoulder with an exhausted sigh. Andrea’s children should not be such a difficult topic for him, not after Andrea has assured him time and time again that no one is blaming him for the divorce – that even Deborah is angry at Andrea, not Riccardo.  
  
“Sorry, didn’t mean to react like that…” he whispers against Andrea’s neck, hiding his face from him, embarrassed that he cannot get his act together.  
  
“Don’t apologize. You just need some more time to get used to the idea.”  
  
But how much longer? How much longer is Andrea willing to wait until he is ready to meet his children? How much longer until he decides that Riccardo is not worth the wait?  
  
 _What happened to us?_  
  
  
  
It takes Riccardo a couple of days to get used to the life at the vineyard. Andrea is teaching him the process of wine making and tasting, Lorenzo joining them occasionally when he has time from his work. Riccardo has learned to recognize the difference between the standard and an aged wine; has even picked a favourite among the many vintages.  
  
They also stroll around the plantations, talking about everything and nothing – though mostly nothing – slowly getting to know each other anew.  
  
For the first time Riccardo hears about Andrea’s family growing up: how his father wanted him to take over the family business; how he was always a disappointment for choosing football, even when he turned out so good; how his coming out had shocked his parents, but how they grudgingly came to accept it after a while.  
  
Riccardo talks too: about his brother who played football before him, about his grandparents’ house in Germany, about his parents who had guessed his sexuality before he finally came out to them, about Cristina before and after their breakup.  
  
Such simple things, things everyone should know, and yet they never thought of asking each other about them before. Their involvement has been primarily physical for so long that at some point they forgot there is more to intimacy besides sex and physical contact.  
  
After two restless nights Riccardo actually manages to get a full night’s sleep for the first time since forever, curled up in Andrea’s embrace, dreaming of wine, family dinners and the freshly cut grass on football pitches.  
  
 _What happened to us?_  
  
  
  
On the fourth day Riccardo finally brings up the problem that has been bothering him all along.  
  
They have spent the whole morning lying in bed, half-asleep, laughing at meaningless jokes that are not funny in the least, kicking each other under the covers until their legs are entangled together. Andrea is kissing his neck, caressing his belly softly, his other hand stroking his hair.  
  
“I don’t feel anything.”  
  
In retrospect, he could have picked the moment better, as Andrea moves away from him and shoots him a sharp look. But at least it is said now.  
  
“I  _want_  to be with you. I want you to fuck me. I want it so badly it physically hurts. But I just  _can’t_. When you touch me, my body still reacts and I know it should feel good. But I just can’t feel it.”  
  
Riccardo feels like crying. He cannot explain it to Andrea – he cannot explain it even to himself – and Andrea is going to think he does not find him attractive anymore and he is going to leave, because who would want a lover who cannot even enjoy a simple touch?  
  
“How long?” Andrea asks roughly, holding the eye contact even when Riccardo wants to turn away to hide the tears gathering in his eyes.  
  
“I don’t know. Since I was hospitalized?” Riccardo bites his lip, fights back the tears, tries to keep his voice from shaking, “I didn’t wanna say anything because I didn’t understand it myself. I thought it would go away just like the headaches, but it didn’t. I just— I thought you should know…”  
  
Andrea pulls him into his arms before he can say anything more, and the gesture is so unexpected that Riccardo breaks down almost immediately, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs, the tears falling against the front of Andrea’s T-shirt.  
  
“You idiot, how could you even think I would leave you for something like that?” Andrea whispers against his hair, rubbing his back comfortingly and pressing soothing kisses into his hair, “It’s not your fault, so stop feeling guilty about it. It’s just the stress and the nerves. It’ll pass.”  
  
“What if it doesn’t?” Riccardo mumbles against Andrea’s chest, a fresh bout of tears rushing into his eyes with every word Andrea says.  
  
“It will. And if it doesn’t, we’ll get professional help and they’ll make it go away, okay? There’s no need to worry, Riccardo. We’ll just concentrate on getting you better.”  
  
Riccardo wants to believe him so, so much. So he does, and maybe the power of those words is enough.  
  
 _What happened to us?_  
  
  
  
On the sixth day they finally have  _the talk_ : the one Riccardo has been dreading for so long but now it seems like the logical step.  
  
“I’m scared,” he admits quietly when they sit alone in the lounge after dinner, sipping rosé wine, enjoying the silence that falls around the estate during the night, “That it’ll never end. That I won’t be able to handle it.”  
  
He meets Andrea’s eyes reluctantly, putting his fears into words for the first time, “That you’ll decide I’m not worth all the fuss – that I’ll be left alone again.”  
  
Riccardo knows it is stupid. Andrea has told him over and over again that he has no intention of leaving, that he intends to stay with Riccardo no matter what happens. But at the same time he remembers that Andrea has left him once already, chose his family over him, and there is no guarantee he will not do it again.  
  
Andrea lets him finish before answering, the sadness in his eyes the only sign of the hurt Riccardo’s doubts are causing him.  
  
“I never even thought of leaving you,” he looks like he wants to reach out and touch Riccardo, but he retracts his hand at the last moment, “I was so sure I’d lost you, when I let you walk out of my life. I’ve never regretted anything more than that.”  
  
“But it was the right choice,” Riccardo retorts testily, playing with the hem of his shirt, anything to keep himself occupied, “You had to think about your family. You still have to. I don’t wanna get in the way, because if you have to choose between me and your children again—”  
  
“I won’t,” Andrea interrupts, his voice sure and level, “This isn’t about either or. I won’t choose between you and the kids because you’re all equally important to me. You’re not an outsider anymore, Riccardo – you’re part of my life now, a huge part at that.”  
  
Riccardo is biting his lip in uncertainty, “But your children—”  
  
“—Will always be around, and you’ll just need to get used to the idea. Angela was so disappointed when you left last time, and Niccolò has watched every Milan game since he found out about you.  _You_  are the only one refusing to accept the situation.”  
  
Riccardo looks down at his hands, tying and untying the strings at the hem of his shirt nervously until Andrea leans in to take his hands into his own, caressing his knuckles soothingly with his thumbs.  
  
“You waited so long for me to come around and accept who I really was. I was so miserable – I thought you’d moved on and I missed you so much it hurt – and I don’t want to feel like that ever again,” he lifts Riccardo’s hands gently to his lips, kisses his palms, “I don’t want  _you_  to feel like that, either.”  
  
Riccardo is close to tears, partly because the words are reminding him of the terrible feeling of loss and emptiness he had to go through after they first broke up, partly because Andrea is addressing his innermost wishes, promising he will never have to be alone, promising him a  _family_.  
  
“I needed you,” he whispers finally, his voice trembling just slightly, “I told you I could handle it, that I was fine with being alone, but I always needed you. It was always you.”  
  
“You have me now,” Andrea tells him quietly, holding the eye contact resolutely, “I’m sorry for making you wait.”  
  
He pulls on Riccardo’s hands gently, urging him to move closer on the sofa until they are pressed against each other and he can tug his fingers into Riccardo’s hair and press his lips against his ear, “What else do you want me to say? How can I make you trust me?”  
  
Riccardo melts slowly into the embrace, closing his eyes and burying his head into the crook of Andrea’s neck, enjoying the familiar strokes on his hair.  
  
“I trust you.”  
  
The truth. It has always been the truth, even when Andrea had done nothing to gain his trust.  
  
He can still hear the distant chanting at the back of his head. He can still remember the disgust in the referee’s eyes when he was shown the red card, the disdain in his voice when he told Riccardo to stop complaining like a girl. He can still feel the uncertainty and the guilt that he has associated with his relationship.  
  
But Andrea is right here, and Riccardo  _knows_  he is not going anywhere. He might have forgotten it for a while: the stress, the fear and the unwanted attention all bleeding into his mind and eating on his emotions, feeding his doubts until he forgot what was really important.  
  
“I trust you.”  
  
A reminder more to himself than to Andrea.  
  
 _We can make it work._  
  
  
  
They make love that night, and in a way it feels like their first time.  
  
Everything happens slowly, Riccardo initiating every touch, controlling the tempo, familiarizing himself with Andrea’s body anew. He keeps the movements of his hips languid, deliberate, making sure to actually feel every inch of Andrea inside him.  
  
He studies Andrea’s face, holds the eye contact, makes sure there are no pretences here – just the two of them, hidden away from the outside world that will still attempt to break them into tiny pieces once they go back.  
  
This moment is theirs, only theirs, and he wants to treasure it, to keep it with him at all times. A reminder of what is real and what is important.  
  
He comes with a suppressed sob only after Andrea is finished, and collapses into his warm embrace, cuddling against his chest, utterly spent both physically and emotionally.  
  
“I love you, Riccardo,” Andrea whispers into his ear, his breath a warm tingle on Riccardo’s skin, “You’re the bravest, the most beautiful, the most infuriating person I’ve ever met. And I love you more than you could ever imagine.”  
  
Riccardo kisses Andrea’s cheek, smiling against the sweaty skin as he answers: “You’ve never said it before.”  
  
“Neither have you,” Andrea retorts gently, interrupting Riccardo’s protest before it even starts, “And no, ‘I told Cristina I love you’ doesn’t count.”  
  
“I love you too, Andrea.”  
  
“I know,” Andrea laughs at his grudging tone, and Riccardo cannot help but smile against his skin as well, relief and certainty washing over him.

 

  
_**Milan–Napoli Referee Suspended** _

_Italian Football Federation (FIGC) has reduced the three-match suspension handed to **Riccardo Montolivo**  after the club appealed the punishment, leaving him to sit out only the usual one-match ban after his red card against Napoli._

_The referee of the match was also sanctioned for his failure to act when homophobic slurs were directed at the Milan captain, and he has been suspended from officiating future games indefinitely, while FIGC investigates the statements of numerous Milan and Napoli players claiming that the referee openly insulted Montolivo during the game._

_FIGC spokesperson underlines the importance of equality._

_“FIGC is committed to eliminating all types of discrimination from Italian football. The match officials need to be aware of this and make sure every player is able to do their job uninterrupted. The referee failed this task during Milan-Napoli. If the recent accusations turn out to be true, further action will be taken.”_

_AC Milan official website confirmed today that Montolivo has returned to training following his extended personal leave which he reportedly spent with his partner **Andrea Pirlo**  in an undisclosed location._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pirlo's family really [owns a vineyard](http://youtu.be/gt7F9JRgEik). Lorenzo is also real, so is Pirlo's plan to focus more on wine making after his retirement. The rest, however, is made up by me to serve the purpose of this story.


	5. Chapter 5

 

  
_**Montolivo called up for Italy** _

_Azzurri coach **Alberto Zaccheroni**  has called up  **Riccardo Montolivo**  for the international friendly against Germany to be played in Munich next Wednesday._

_This is the first time Montolivo has been called up for the national team since he came out as a homosexual three months ago, having missed the two World Cup qualifiers last month. The Italy boss assures the temporary exclusion was not directly connected to the Milan captain’s sexuality._

_“Montolivo’s sexual orientation had been known to the team long before the media outrage, and we all respect him for his brave decision to come out publicly. With all the media attention, he understandably struggled to keep up his top form, which is why I decided to give him some time to sort out his feelings and play. Now that he has regained his form in Serie A, there was no question whether he should be called up.”_

_After a rocky start since his coming out, which has raised lots attention towards homophobia in the Italian football, Montolivo has indeed raised to the challenge and reclaimed his starting spot in the rossoneri line-up. Just last weekend he was chosen as the MOTM after scoring the winner in Milan’s 2-1 victory over Torino._

_Zaccheroni is pleased with Montolivo’s recent rise in form, and tips the Milan captain as an important player for the upcoming World Cup in Russia._

_“The squad for the World Cup will be relatively young. Montolivo has been Italy regular since 2010, so he will be able to bring some much-needed experience and leadership to the team. We will be relying on him to bring out his best form next summer, and I believe he is ready to show his worth for the team once more.”_

_The friendly against Germany may be the best possible place for Montolivo’s international debut after coming out. Montolivo’s mother is German, so technically he will be playing in front of a full home crowd._

_Germany has also proven to be a front-runner in the fight against homophobia in football ever since former German international player Thomas Hitzlsperger came out in 2014._

 

  
_“Remember to visit your cousins when you’re in Munich.”_  
  
“Mom, I’m gonna be there only for two days. For a match. You really think I’ll have time to go greet relatives?”  
  
Riccardo is balancing the phone between his ear and shoulder as he reaches to the top of the shelf in attempt to get his suitcase. He gives up when the phone almost falls.  
  
 _”You used to be so close when you were young, and you see them so rarely anymore. Should take the opportunity when you’re up there._  
  
“I’ll try to find time for it. But I’m not making any promises!”  
  
Andrea takes down the suitcase for him and lays it open on the bed. Riccardo mouths him a voiceless thanks as he starts picking up clothes from the closet.  
  
 _”You do that, dear. Say hello from me as well.”_  
  
“I said I’m not promising anything. Just call them if you wanna chat with them so much,” Riccardo scoffs at the phone in amusement, rolling his eyes at Andrea who has no idea what the German conversation is about, “I gotta go. Need to pack before today’s training.”  
  
 _”Do give Andrea my love, will you? Tell him we’re all looking forward to meeting him soon.”_  
  
“Like I could tell him that! You trying to drive him away or what?”  
  
Andrea wraps his arms around Riccardo’s waist from behind and presses up against his back when he finally ends the call and drops the phone on top of the bed. He nuzzles Riccardo’s hair playfully, the breath against the back of his neck making shivers run down Riccardo’s back.  
  
“She still wants to meet you,” he tells as he leans back into Andrea’s embrace, “I’m surprised she’s not asking when you’re gonna make an honest man out of me yet.”  
  
“You want me to propose?” Andrea asks cheekily as he loosens his hold long enough for Riccardo to turn around and wrap his arms around Andrea’s neck.  
  
“Not me, idiot.  _She_  wants you to propose,” Riccardo fakes a pout and is rewarded with a peck on the puckered lips. He answers by pulling Andrea into a deeper kiss, flicking his tongue against the slightly parted lips, delighted when Andrea allows him to dominate the kiss.  
  
“Aren’t you supposed to pack?” Andrea pulls away when Riccardo starts sliding his hands down his sides, wrinkling the shirt under his fingers.  
  
“Spoilsport,” Riccardo jeers but pulls away with another quick kiss and goes back to choosing clothes for the trip, “Shouldn’t you be packing as well? Do you even have your bag here?”  
  
“I’ll just make a detour to Turin while you’re in training. Shouldn’t take that long.”  
  
Riccardo decides to ignore the slight against his packing skills as he goes through his closet in search of his favourite shirt – Andrea’s, Andrea’s, his but not the right one, Andrea’s, so there it was!  
  
“How come my closet is full of you clothes, anyways?”  
  
Riccardo is not actually complaining. They have been more or less living in each others pockets since their escapade to Brescia – since Riccardo noticed he could barely sleep without Andrea next to him, to be exact – much to the media’s delight.  
  
Neither of them is thinking of moving in together, because Andrea’s children are still living in Turin while Riccardo is tied to Milan. It does not mean they cannot spend all their free time in each other’s places, spreading half of their belongings between the two apartments.  
  
“Your own fault. You never cleared up space for them.”  
  
Riccardo never imagined they could be together like this – comfortable and simple – but it turns out Andrea was right all along: relationships are only as difficult as you make them out to be.  
  
Not that there have not been complications.  
  
They still need to work on the communication: Riccardo keeps forgetting he is supposed to talk about his feelings instead of taking his stress out on Andrea, while Andrea has gotten into a habit of assuming he knows what Riccardo needs without asking – he is right more often than not, of course, but it still pisses off Riccardo to no end, only pouring fuel to the flames.  
  
But they are getting there, which is fortunately showing on the pitch as well.  
  
Which is why they are flying to Munich tonight, together with the national team, for Riccardo’s first international match after he came out. Their first ‘official’ appearance as a couple, because Andrea refused to let Riccardo go alone.  
  
“Just don’t miss the flight,” Riccardo tells Andrea as he closes the suitcase and gathers his training gear. Andrea throws a pillow at him with a laugh, missing terribly when Riccardo escapes through the bedroom door and makes his way out.  
  
  
  
He is still scared every time he walks out on the pitch. He never knows what he will have to face: whether it will be the audience, the opposing players, or the officials that will try to make his life a living hell.  
  
The games where he can feel completely safe, accepted, are still few and far between, but Riccardo likes to think things are getting better since the federation took the harsher stance against homophobia.  
  
Most of all he is grateful for his Milan teammates, who never stopped supporting him – he is doubly glad some of them are part of the national team with him, because while his sexuality has been known to the azzurri players for years, it still feels different now.  
  
“There’s so much press out there. Can’t believe it’s just a friendly,” Mattia comments, not saying it is because of Riccardo even though everyone knows it is.  
  
“It’s worse than during the last qualifiers,” Stephan agrees, peeking outside to see the flashing cameras all over the press area. He ducks his head out of view before the reporters can spot him and throws a concerned look at Riccardo, “You okay, captain?”  
  
 _Captain._  
  
It is a huge show of respect, a show of confidence from Zaccheroni to give him the armband for this particular match. It also adds to the pressure, but Riccardo has to learn to handle the pressure if he intends to play in the World Cup.  
  
“I’m fine. Just do your job and I’ll do mine,” he replies lightly and reaches his hand to mess up Stephan’s impeccably styled hair. His teammate ducks out of his reach with an indignant protest.  
  
He can be whatever he wants. He can be the captain, he can be the star, he can be himself and still keep playing on the top level. He can be happy with Andrea and no one can stop him.  
  
Riccardo leads the team out to the pitch with his head held high, decidedly keeping his eyes unfocused, ignoring the voices around him. There is chanting, but he does not let it bother him, lets the sounds go over his head without listening to the words.  
  
It does not matter what people think, what matters is how he feels, how he carries himself.  
  
“You hear that?” Mattia is poking his side frantically, looking around with amazed eyes, and it takes a moment for Riccardo to realize it is out of good kind of amazement.  
  
Because the chants are nothing like the ones in Italy. The rhythmic chanting that starts from the German stands and spreads through the arena.  
  
 _“Riccardo! Riccardo! Riccardo! Riccardo! Riccardo! Riccardo!”_  
  
Rainbow flags around the stands and banners declaring  _Fans gegen Homophobie!_  and  _Liebe kennt kein Geschlecht!_  
  
It is not everyone, not by far, but it is powerful enough to drown out the negative sounds.  
  
Riccardo smiles, the first real smile he has been able to muster on the pitch since this all started. He looks towards the VIP stands, where he knows Andrea is watching even if he cannot see him up there. Tears are stinging his eyes, and for once it is a good sting.  
  
It is the easiest match Riccardo has ever played.  
  
Not because Germany is an easy opponent – anything but – not because the fans are cheering for him throughout the game – not directly – but because for the first time in his entire career Riccardo feels like he is truly accepted for who he is: a professional footballer, a homosexual, a person no different from any other.  
  
It is the fairytale ending he thought he would never get.  
  
Stephan scores the winner and Riccardo exchanges jerseys with the Germany captain. A hug and an encouraging pat on the back. A promise they will face each other in the World Cup next.  
  
Everyone wants a comment from Riccardo: he is pulled from one reporter to another, German and Italian alike. He messes up his words when he switches from one language to another, gives an apologetic smile, rubs the back of his neck embarrassedly.  
  
Then Andrea is there, and Riccardo pays no mind to the reporters around them as he sinks into the tight hug. Just for this one moment, he feels like he can do nothing wrong.  
  
“You were amazing – you were shining out there,” Andrea whispers into his ear, his hands caressing Riccardo’s face softly, “And I’m gonna kiss you now.”  
  
Riccardo is the first to catch Andrea’s lips before he can fulfil his promise. The camera shutters are clicking around them, and they both know tomorrow’s headlines will not be about the result of the game but about this particular moment.  
  
Riccardo cannot bring himself to care.

 

 

_**Montolivo: Not giving up on anything** _

_AC Milan captain **Riccardo Montolivo**  has been through a wringer in the last half a year. After paparazzi pictures forced him out of the closet, he had to endure not only the homophobic abuse but also the mental and physical stress from being the first openly homosexual still active footballer in Italy._

_Under the constant public scrutiny he fought for his right to keep doing what he loved while building his relationship with former Juventus and Italy playmaker **Andrea Pirlo**. It was not always easy, but he came out victorious._

_Looking towards the FIFA World Cup 2018 in Russia, Riccardo sat down with us for an exclusive interview where he discussed his sexuality and relationship for the first time after he came out._

_**You were practically forced to come out. Had you thought about the possibility before the paparazzi pictures were published?** _

_“I never intended to come out while I was still playing. My family, friends and teammates had known for some time already, and it was enough for me. I saw no need to complicate the things further._

_I did entertain the thought after Andrea came out, of course. I had never wished to stay in the closet all my life. Most likely I would have come out after I retired had things gone my way._

_However, when the pictures were published, hiding was no longer an option. I have never lied about my sexuality when asked directly. Me staying in the closet would not have been fair for Andrea, either, because technically it would have forced him back into hiding as well._

_Being forced out was not pleasant, and it definitely was not easy, but in the end I am happy how things worked out. After the initial outburst, being out has helped me to concentrate on my playing. It is a relief to finally be able to just be myself on the pitch.”_

_**Your relationship with Andrea Pirlo has come under lots of criticism. What are your thoughts on that?** _

_“I knew what I was getting into when I decided to come out. I had seen what Andrea was going through, and had already experienced it myself with the paparazzi. We had talked it through and thought we were prepared for it._

_Of course, it was not that easy. I never thought the public outcry would be so vehement. Despite the rumours, neither of us was in a relationship when our years-long friendship started to develop into something else._

_I was shocked how our private lives were discussed and transformed into utter lies in the public debate. I did not mind people criticizing my performance on the pitch, but attacking my relationship was much harder to handle._

_Fortunately Andrea is much more sensible when it comes to media. He helped me a lot, even when I thought I could not take it anymore. As clichéd as it sounds, he has been my rock through this ordeal.”_

_**Your relationship is still fairly fresh. Have you thought about your future together?** _

_“You never know what is going to happen. Obviously we are hoping to stay together for a long time. We have been through so much during these first few months, and I believe it has brought us even closer together._

_We do not talk about things like marriage. It is far too early to think about something like that, not to mention it is not possible under the current laws in Italy._

_I am grateful to Andrea for accepting me into his life. Unlike me, he already has a family, and I am still getting used to the idea of being part of that. He will have to be patient with me, but we are both giving out best to make this work.”_

_**What are your other ambitions for the future?** _

_“My goal is to do well for the rest of the season as well as the World Cup. I wish to give my all to Milan for the next few years while I can still play on the top level. I always work to improve, and I wish to show the doubters that my sexuality has no effect on my performance on the pitch._

_There is still a lot of work to do before homophobia can be eradicated from the Italian football. I wish to give my own effort for this objective by doing what I do the best: playing football._

_I have no intention of giving up on anything, not professionally or personally. I want to concentrate on my career and on my relationship. By doing that, hopefully I will be able to pay back all the support I have received from the club, from the fans, and from all the people around me._

_I truly believe I am lucky, despite everything I have had to go through, to be able to keep doing what I love surrounded by the people I love.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Alberto Zaccheroni is rumoured to be the most likely option to replace Prandelli at the helm of the Italy NT after the World Cup in Brazil. I’m just going with the flow.
> 
> \- Stephan is obviously Stephan El Shaarawy.
> 
> \- Fans gegen Homophobie! = Fans against homophobia!  
> \- Liebe kennt kein Geschlecht! = Love knows no gender!
> 
> \- I’m not saying Germany has less homophobia than Italy (because I honestly don’t know), I’m merely making an assumption that the German football fans have had time to reflect their stance after Hitzlsperger came out. That, and I’d like to believe the people fighting against homophobia would jump at the opportunity to show their support in an international match.
> 
> \- I didn’t actually mean to give this story a definite timeline, but as the things turned out it was easier to set this in the 2017/2018 season with the World Cup coming up.
> 
> \- Riccardo’s interview was inspired by his [recent video interview with Dolce&Gabbana](http://youtu.be/2ypIP9kWJa0).
> 
> I’d also like to thank everyone who has stuck with this series until the end!
> 
> _Fairytale_ was my first multichapter fic for the football fandom, and originally it was not supposed to continue. Then came _Growth_ because I wanted to give them a happy ending, and then came the idea of media outing Monto, which just had to be written. It wasn’t supposed to be this long or this angsty, but I’m still happy how this story turned out.
> 
> I wish you enjoyed reading as much as I loved writing this!


End file.
